just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
