he told me I talked like a deaf person
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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