you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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