What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
