i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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