I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
