Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
