i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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