...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize