You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
