I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
