At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
