Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize