just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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