Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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