Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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