If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
