I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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