I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
