every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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