I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
