he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
