i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
