oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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