so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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