Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
