i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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