this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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