So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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