My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
