I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
