I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I looked at my own cervix.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
