I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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