Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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