I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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