Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
