My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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