New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
