I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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