On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
