She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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