Plan B is the new Plan A
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
