Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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