hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
