I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
