I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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