false alarm. still invincible.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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