I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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