Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
