You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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