he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
