You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
