I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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