just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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